Unconsciously, we create stories to make sense of our worldview.
We rely on them when telling and sharing with others about who we are and what we can and can’t do.
Most of our stories are recorded in our subconscious at a tender age, yet they still pop up instantly whenever words or a situation reminds us of a past event—at the starting point of our stories.
Over many years, our stories become our default way of explaining things, and we rarely question whether what we are saying is actually true. Our stories were once true—when you were younger. But today, when you consider them objectively, do they still ring true to you? And are these stories still helping you—or not?
Our narratives—what we tell others and our self-talk—are a mix of what our parents told us in childhood, the traumatic events we experienced—big and small—life events, and our personality.
Do these sound familiar?
These sound reasonable until you consider the implications underneath what is being said.
I can’t apply for that job—I don’t have the experience.
You might say this even when you would LOVE to have THAT job. The ‘I don’t have the experience’ reveals a lack of confidence, fear or the limited view of your parents or a view that you have adopted.
I’m too busy to think about that now—I’ll get back to you.
Using deflection to avoid dealing with what is happening is common, yet there is a distinct possibility of ALWAYS thinking about it, either in a hopeful or negative way. This story may have arisen for many reasons, but the ‘I’m too busy…’ usually has a story attached to it.
Do phrases like this resonate with you too?
I can’t tell my partner—it will only cause a row, and I don’t want that. (Despite aching to have a REAL conversation).
I’m too old—I can’t start over again. (Yet wishing so much to START again)
Now consider what you say to others, and to yourself, about your work, relationship, money, and opportunities. Do you sometimes stop yourself from doing something you would love to do, with what sounds like a rational explanation?
One of my old stories
My paternal grandparents frequently uprooted the family, moving to new places. Dad knew what it felt like to go to bed hungry. At 13, having attended six schools, Dad left to start work. He knew his education wasn’t great, but he was naturally clever and highly ambitious, and he desperately wanted to have a better life. This led him to work hard—and he succeeded. So, the story he passed on to my sisters and me was, ‘Work hard and you will succeed’. Sounds like a good story to have. Yet it implies that success depends on hard work. Today, although I know I can work smarter rather than harder to succeed, a tiny part of me still hangs on to the old story, which can lead me to work too many hours.
Your stories once helped you—but is the reverse true now?
Our most persistent narratives—those we repeatedly share with others and tell ourselves—are the ones that kept us safe from harm. It might have arisen from a traumatic event, but it could have arisen from a harsh word from a parent or a teacher, especially if this was a common occurrence. At the time, our story was a good strategy. But we rarely go back to see if it still applies. Ask whether our stories make us hit the brakes when another part of us really wants to embrace new experiences and opportunities.
Time to lay to rest an old story?
Bring a dream you have into your mind’s eye.
Or simply a strong desire to be, have or do something that isn’t currently in your life.
Now consider the last time you spoke to someone about it, or they asked you what was happening. Can you recall what you said at the end? Did it include words along the lines of…
…but it’s so hard to find the time, or …but I know it won’t happen, or …but there is the mortgage to pay, so I can’t risk it, or give yourself another opt-out?
Whatever comes up for you, without self-judgment, ask yourself why you defer, deflect, or don’t follow your heart’s desire. Take a moment to ask whether there is truth in what you have said. Or, is it a story that you were unaware of?
Stories can be sneaky—like one of mine has been!
I know I can make big dreams happen. And yet I still have a money story from early childhood that sometimes trips me up.
When I was nine, a company, which owed my dad a lot of money, went bankrupt. It almost took my parents’ business down too. During that time, my mum and dad kept repeating, ‘We have enough money for now—it will be OK’. I’m sure it was my dad’s way of encouraging Mum that we were alright; it was tough, though. However, after a year of ‘tightening our belts’, things turned around for Mum and Dad. But I took on board a ‘just enough’ story that still sometimes sneaks back into my life.
As some of you know, in 2024, I bought an uninhabitable house in Pizzo, Calabria, Italy. It had no water or electricity and holes in the roof, but it had a wonderful sea view, and I could see its potential. I believed I had more than enough money for all of the renovations. But I didn’t do my sums as thoroughly as I should have. I also didn’t account for the fact that my house is in a maze of pathways, and the nearest vehicular access is 250 metres away. So, every load of tiles, each huge length of the new roof timbers, the kitchen units, and all the furnishings had to be carried from the road, uphill to the house.
This, plus some unexpected issues, massively pushed up the renovation costs. My oversight took me back into ‘I have just enough’ to pay for everything, which is what has happened. It’s easy to think that ‘I have enough’ is akin to contentment. It sounds like it is grounded, even grateful. But just enough does not mean having plenty, more than enough or an abundance. Having just enough, as I have been reminded, can be very stressful.
BUT the house, Casa Tranquilla, is now all paid for and it is beautiful. It will make a wonderful holiday rental in the summer, bring in income, and be my home from November to March. I also know that I have another story that helps me move quickly from just enough to having plenty again. I just need to make sure I work smarter, not just harder, to get there 😂.
Do you have regular patterns of behaviour that are perhaps part of your story? Can you reframe it to help you move forward?
Three steps to rewrite your stories
- When you talk about what is happening in your life, or about a dream, catch what you actually say. Pay special attention to the end of your sentences. Next time you hear yourself say ‘I can’t because I…’, consciously change it to a positive, desired ending. The more you do this, the faster your stories will evolve to help you.
- When you share your story, whose voice is it that you hear? Your mum or dad’s? A teacher or someone else who influenced you? Is this story yours, or is it on loan from someone you used to be?
- Release the story somatically, not just logically. Comprehending an old story and discovering how it arose helps move it from subconscious patterns into rational thought. However, this rarely dissolves it. For truly stuck stories, EFT Tapping helps the body, not just the mind, choose a new way forward.
Would you like to improve your life?
I offer one-to-one coaching that weaves together Life Coaching, Emotional Healing and EFT Tapping. To explore how I can help you, book a free 30-minute Zoom call today.
