Do you often feel lonely, even though you are in a relationship? Scrolling through social media, it’s easy to believe that everyone else is having a wonderful time. Barbecues, beach days, holidays, family gatherings—photos of people smiling, huddled together in a selfie. You, too, have posted photos that seem like you, too, are having fun, yet often it’s not a true reflection of how you felt then or now. Sometimes, the deep sense of loneliness felt is hard to describe and harder still to admit, because to the outside world, everything looks OK.

Loneliness within a relationship is not the obvious, visible kind that comes from living alone. You have a partner to talk to, yet conversations in the whirlwind of life can so easily become logistical. Who is going to ferry the kids to and from the places that they need to go, or do the shopping, and run the errands? It can feel that you are no longer seen, really seen, by your partner, and he/she also appears distant and not particularly happy either. And maybe no one in your family notices that behind your smile, you are feeling lonely on the inside. 

The silent pandemic of loneliness

Because no one talks about loneliness, it can feel like you are the only one suffering, yet millions of people in the UK struggle with loneliness. 

In 2023, the World Health Organisation declared loneliness a global public health threat, greatly raising the risk of heart disease, stroke, dementia, and depression. In 2024, the NHS Health Survey for England on Loneliness and Wellbeing showed that 22% of adults felt lonely at least some of the time (that’s over 3 million people), and 6% reported often or always feeling lonely. 

So, know you are not alone in in feeling lonely. Yet also take on board that you are worthy of feeling better, happier and more connected to others.

Being alone and feeling lonely are not the same thing

You can be entirely by yourself and feel deeply contented. You can be next to your partner or in a room full of people and feel the hollow ache of loneliness. Dictionaries define lonely as, ‘sad from being alone’ or ‘the unhappiness that is felt by someone because they do not have any friends or do not have anyone to talk to’. Yet I find these wide of the mark. You can be in a relationship, have friends, a loving family, and a full diary, yet still feel lonely. Loneliness is not about the number of people around you, rather it is about the quality of connection you have with people in your life.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer wrote a poem called The Invitation that I came across many years ago, and I still love her words. The poem ends with the lines:

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

When I read these words for the first time, it stopped me in my tracks as I realised I had no empty moments in my life. From my work, I know this to be true for many people—yet it feels counterintuitive. When I ask my clients to practice conscious empty moments—more on this later—they ask, Won’t that make me feel even more lonely? This isn’t about making yourself feel lonelier; it’s about reconnecting with yourself. When you are in a relationship, especially when there are children in the house, empty moments can be rare because you are ‘on the run’ from the moment you wake up to the moment you collapse on the sofa in front of the TV.

It can feel like there is never time just to be—to have empty moments—when you can settle into your body. Practising stillness helps you to rediscover who you are now and what matters. Constantly being in the middle of a whirlwind of activity, it’s hard to find this clarity.

Loneliness from an empty nest

When our children leave home, it can feel great at first—the house is tidy, and the fridge is full. Yet you often miss your kids—miss the connection, as they no longer need you as they once did. At this stage in your life, many milestones have been ticked off your list—a partner, a nice home, a career that has matured, and kids forging their own paths. Yet despite this, something else feels missing. It might be a realisation that old friendships have drifted apart, or you have hours free now you no longer taxi the kids around, and you no longer have somewhere to go and be. Perhaps your parents are becoming more elderly, too, and need your time. Where has the fun in life gone? When did you and your partner last sit together and ask each other, How are you really doing?

Oriah Mountain Dreamer wrote about this beautifully, too:

For years, I thought the loneliness, the longing for others, was a weakness, a sign that I had not learned how to be with myself. And there have indeed been times when I have wanted to be with someone simply to cover the ache of not being able to find my own company. But I have come to accept that no matter how much I like my own company, I still long to sit close to and at times merge completely with another in deep intimacy.

Needing others is not a weakness

Needing others is not weakness or neediness. It is one of the most fundamentally human things there is. We are not designed to live in isolation, and pretending otherwise—hiding behind busyness, independence, and a cheerful face—costs us dearly.

It can be extraordinarily difficult to say I am lonely out loud. Just thinking about it feels like an admission of failure—of being somehow unlovable, or uninteresting, or unable to cope. Yet you can begin to change this. Read through the following steps. Choose the one that resonates the most and commit to doing it. Take one small step today.

5 steps to feel better again

• Reconnect to your partner. For over 16 years, I have helped couples to rekindle their love, even after affairs, rows and awkward silences. Nine times out of ten, the biggest issue is poor communication. It’s easy to see how this happens when life is so busy, and each of you assumes that everything is OK because nothing has been said to the contrary. So, try this. Arrange a date night—or date day—where you agree to not talk about your family, work, home or money. I know this means I’ve eliminated most of your conversation topics. So, download part one of the 12 Date Night Questions. These questions were designed to help you reconnect to others.

• Conscious empty moments. This is simply and consciously deciding to be still for a while without the distractions of your mobile or other people. Do this for just ten minutes. Be outside if you can. Breathe in. Breathe out. As you do so, what comes up? If feelings of loneliness arise, don’t fight it, but notice it as a feeling as opposed to who you are. Keep on being still. What comes next? Continue to breathe deeply. If thoughts arise telling you to stop before these precious 10 minutes end, dismiss the thought with a reminder that it is just for a few minutes. As you sink deeper into the breath, ask yourself, What will make me feel happier? Don’t worry if nothing happens pops up on the first attempt. Practising conscious empty moments soon becomes a time and space to enjoy, as it reveals what needs to change to be happier.

• Re-engage with old friends. Be the one to reach out. It is easy to wait for others to call, to invite, to initiate. But the people in your life may be doing exactly the same thing, hoping you will be the one to make the first move. Be brave and send the message. Suggest a walk. Invite them for coffee. One small action can break a long silence.

• Be honest with someone you trust. Loneliness thrives in secrecy. Choosing one person—a close friend or a family member—and share that you have been feeling lonely and a little disconnected lately. Sharing these feelings relieves the burden and shame associated with loneliness. They may give you a hug, offer advice, and, more than likely, check in with you more often.

• Find your tribe. Seek out community. A class, a club, a faith group, a local interest group — anywhere that brings you into regular contact with the same people around a shared activity. Connection grows with repetition and familiarity. You do not need to arrive as anyone other than yourself. A smile and a hello is genuinely all it takes to begin.

Need some help?

There is no shame in seeking more help from me, another therapist or a counsellor. If you would like to find out more about what it is like to work with me, book a 30-minute complimentary call. It’s just a conversation to understand what is going on for you and how I can help. I never offer prescriptive solutions, as you are unique; instead, I weave together Life Coaching, Emotional Healing, EFT Tapping, and other tools and techniques. Find out more about EFT and watch my 3-minute video on the EFT Tapping Points.