Showing up as your authentic self is admirable, but is it possible in today’s world? I like to think I am authentic, but under the spotlight, I can clearly see the times when I hide behind a smiley face. 

I’m naturally a positive, easy-to-smile, peaceful soul. I rarely feel stressed or angry, and jealousy and envy are not part of my psyche. But, of course, there are times when I feel sad, doubtful, frustrated and occasionally worried too. I can also be bossy, opinionated, strong-willed, impatient (mostly with myself—not others) and too serious. With my family and close friends, the real me—the good, the not so good, and the difficult parts of me, all regularly show up. This is because I feel safe, loved and supported even when I’m out of sorts. However, on social media and in professional settings, it is challenging to be anything other than positive, as this is what is expected. 

Signs of hiding your true self

A good place to notice how authentic we are is to consider how often we stay tight-lipped out of fear of rocking the boat. Like those times we verbally agree with our friends/boss, or even partner, when deep inside we hold a different view.

Naturally, there are times when it is wise to hold your tongue and take a diplomatic stance. Yet, if this becomes a default response, then the person you are interacting with will sense you are withholding things, which will create distance between you. 

Couples going through a rough patch often find themselves walking on eggshells. When I review what is happening with my couple-clients, we frequently discover that this began after a series of rows. No longer wanting to argue with their partner, one or both decide it is better to say nothing. Their bond of love then becomes stretched to the limit because without knowing what the other thinks/believes, or wants, this diminishes trust, and conversations become stilted. Couples forget how to talk to one another at a deep level, and so walking on eggshells becomes a coping mechanism. In these cases, I encourage couples to talk about how they feel, share their dreams, hopes and fears, in a dignified and respectful way. The way I help couples to do this is through Life Meetings. Discover how these work in my earlier article: How to heal arguments.

Hiding your true self can also manifest as people pleasing, over-explaining things to ensure there are no misunderstandings, or suppressing ideas due to a fear of being judged. If you recognise these traits, ask yourself what is your worst fear? Do you really want to live life hiding your true self away?

What is the worst thing that can happen?

One of the biggest obstacles to being authentic is rooted in fear. Our thoughts go something like this. If I say or do that, they won’t like me/stop loving me or fire me, so I’d better shut up. Yet sometimes, often-times, this makes the thing you fear more likely to happen. 

So, to counter such fears, write exactly what is the worst that could happen. Don’t hold back—just let it flow. When you are done, read what you have written. Take a deep breath and now consider the likelihood of your fear manifesting itself. Now it is black and white, and no longer just thoughts in your head, do you feel differently? Notice what has shifted in how you feel about saying or doing the things that are fearful.

Fear is primarily a survival tool. Perceiving that we may get hurt—physically, mentally or emotionally—our subconscious dances with different possibilities, but hones in on actions to keep us safe. Even the smallest perceived threats can lead us into this dance. Yet, when we focus—deep breathing and writing help us do this—we can see things from a more rational point of view. From this, we can begin to see that it is OK to show up as our true selves. If someone is so shallow as to no longer like or love us when we respectfully express a different opinion, then this is their stuff. Even if our words lead to losing a job, there are always alternative opportunities, including potentially better ones than our current employment.

Writing about our fears can also reveal potential benefits that have been hidden by fear. So, grab your journal (or a scrap of paper) and write to free and be yourself.

How social media is tilting our worldview

Social media allows people to show up and make comments that they would not say in face-to-face encounters. Emboldened by anonymity, a minority of people post controversial images and comments. Outraged by these posts appearing in our feeds, many people feel compelled to defend their beliefs and values. People also interact more with videos and photos that make us laugh or tug on the heartstrings—especially those of cats and endearing animals. 

In the background of all social media platforms, algorithms determine which posts to display into people’s feeds. They assess popularity by the number of interactions—likes, emojis and comments. The algorithms are becoming smarter, but they don’t take into account moral or aesthetic judgements, just thier limited view of what is popular. 

Does any of this matter? I wish I could say it doesn’t, but it increasingly what happens on social media seeps into other media channels and into our lives. What comes through is the worst and the best of our emotional repertoire, and this tilts our view of the world. As human beings, we have a vast range of views, beliefs, behaviours and emotions. When we are faced with the algorithm’s view of popularity, showing up and expressing our true selves is more challenging. We don’t want to be the odd one out, the one who stands up to say, The emperor has no clothes on. Despite this, please keep on being you. Your unique insights, thoughts, and ideas make the world a much richer place. We need far more of this, and less of the curated lives seen through the lens of social media.

Imperfectly perfect

 When I use EFT tapping with my clients, I regularly use phrases such as;

• I’m not perfect—but I am OK
• It is safe for me to me
• I am worthy—just as I am
• I am a magnificent work in progress

We are all works in progress. Accepting this can change your life.

Striving to be perfect will, in time, backfire, and often in a spectacular way. Perfectionism requires total commitment to the small details, which can lead to stress, overworking and even loneliness. This is not to say we should not care about how we talk, behave, what we achieve or even how we look; rather, it is about accepting what can be done within a given time frame. Even if you worked 24 hours every day, there would always be more to do. Unlike AI, computers and the digital world, we humans NEED to rest. Not just by flopping down in front of the TV, then going to bed with our heads still whirring. We need a rest from our fast-paced lives and time to sleep deeply so we can be creative and shine as our authentic selves.

This poem, by Marianne Williamson, was spoken by Nelson Mandela at his presidential inauguration ceremony. He chose it to inspire a nation to shine. I hope it inspires you in your life. 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you NOT to be?
You, a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson.

Please find the courage to shine as your true self—we will all benefit when you do 😊.

Do you need a helping hand to get there? Book a 30-minute complimentary Zoom call. No sales, just a chat to see how I may help you.