How to let go of that awful feeling
We have ALL made mistakes—I’ve made loads in my life! For a moment, think back to a BIG one whether it was recently or ages ago. Remember the moment you said, did, or didn’t say or do something that you now deeply regret. Perhaps you were caught in a lie, or betrayed someone, or acted out because you were triggered. As the memories flood back, are you still feeling ashamed for getting it so wrong? You may have been able to put things right soon afterwards. Or maybe you are still wracked with the guilt or shame about how things were left.
Reflecting on this big mistake, do you instantly wish that you could or should have said or done things differently? Is there an assumption that someone else, in the same situation, would have handled it better? Others, we think, would NOT have made such a mess of things. And this is interesting, because we all assume this. So, who is this perfect person who never screws things up?
You are not your mistakes
Mistakes by their very nature are not what we intended to do. Mistakes happen in moments of thoughtlessness, dog-tiredness, overwhelm, or when we’re too scared to flag up things we’ve noticed, or when we’re emotionally distracted. Rarely are mistakes made from callous disregard for others.
Over time, our minor mistakes fade into the foggy parts of our memory. Meanwhile, the big whoppers frequently circle through our minds long after the event. The purpose of these memories is to prevent a repetition of the same or similar error. Yet these memories can either help or hinder us, depending on how we felt at the time and afterwards. If the wind blew towards self-compassion, the mistake became a life lesson. But if the wind blew towards self-disgust, it might have led to crippling doubt and a lack of self-confidence.
At different times, most of us have experienced both outcomes. Yet it is never too late to examine past mistakes and our reactions to them. Those that no longer serve us can be released. With a full acknowledgement of our role, we can move on with our heads held high.
Imperfectly perfect
The gap between desiring to do well and perfectionism is as narrow as a pencil line, and as such, it is easy to push ourselves into wanting to be a perfect version of ourselves.
This line has become even more blurred on social media, which has erased the ordinary, boring and dull moments of our lives. Scroll through any social media feed, and what shows up looks like perfection. Yet in reality, these are simply the joyous, happy and exciting moments of people’s lives. It’s good to celebrate these times, yet the vast majority of life is not this. Instead, the majority of our time is spent working, caring for children, doing housework, gardening, shopping for and preparing food, settling family disagreements, and generally trying to cram too many things into too little time.
Social media, with its wonderful, happy, inspiring and funny snapshots, can give the impression that we’re not good enough. And those ads that promise us it only takes 15 minutes a day to master a new language, become more flexible, or lose weight, also play on these fears. As to finding another 15-minutes in already hectic days is nowhere as easy as it sounds.
Here’s the thing. You, me and everyone—we are not perfect, no one truly is. Nor is perfection something to aspire to. This doesn’t mean there isn’t room to improve—there’s always space to be better, even finding those precious 15 minutes, but trying to be perfect is not the answer to never making mistakes.
You don’t need to be perfect to be worthy of kindness, or to be respected, trusted, or loved. You are already a magnificent work in progress, and with this thought, you can more easily navigate the ups and downs as a natural part of your life’s journey.
Deserving of the same grace you give to a friend
What do you do when a friend gets it horribly wrong? Perhaps they inadvertently said something hurtful or shared with you a shameful moment they had with someone else. It depends, of course, on the level of hurt, but generally, is your first instinct to renounce their friendship? When considering the kindness, love, and support they give to you, can you put aside what happened and forgive them? Or do you choose to forever hold a grudge?
Life is complex and not easy to predetermine. Sometimes we hold on to a grudge, and you might be justified, but mostly we forgive our dear friends when they show up as less than their best selves. Yet, with our misdemeanours, we are so incredibly harsh, berating ourselves for not doing better.
Despite what you did or said in the mistake you brought into your mind, you are worthy of the same grace you give to your friends.
Seven steps to forgive yourself
Still feeling awful about this mistake? With openness and an abundance of self-love, work through these steps to move on.
No. 1 Step into the role of the witness. Do this by imagining there are two of you. I know this sounds slightly weird, but go with it because it works. As you remember what happened, the other ‘you’ witnesses everything in that moment, purely as an observer. In other words, without the emotional entanglement.
No. 2 Ask your witness what they noticed about you and the others involved. They will tell you what you missed. Like how stressed, tired, overwrought, lonely, angry or triggered you were. They will also share the emotional state of the other person/people and how that influenced their reactions. Your subconscious awareness, accessed through the witness, garners far more than your conscious mind.
No. 3 Considering the revelation of the witness, what is the bigger picture beyond your role looking like now?
No. 4 It’s rarely too late to put things right. So, if you need to talk to or apologise—even if this incident happened years ago—please find the courage to do so. If this is not possible, write a letter to the relevant person, knowing you will NOT send it. Write this letter from your heart, allowing yourself to say what needs to be said. Then, ceremoniously, burn this letter in a safe place. As you watch the edges of the paper turn brown and tendrils of smoke waft into the air, imagine this old pain being released from your body.
No. 5 Make a note of what you learnt, then, in your mind’s eye, pop everything attached to this mistake on a shelf at the back of your memory. It’s safe to reside there. You can bring it back into consciousness if you need to, but the memory and feelings no longer need to keep playing on a loop.
No. 6 Consciously, forgive yourself by seeing it through the eyes of a friend.
No. 7 Finally, give yourself permission to be OK with what happened, and actively choose to move on, because doing so makes you stronger and wiser.
Feeling a little better? I hope so. Remember, you are a precious soul, but your human self has and will make mistakes in the future. Now you know that you can put them right more quickly and grow from the experience.If you need further help, please book a complimentary 30-minute call with me via this link to my calendar. It’s just a chat, not a sales call, to see how I can help you.
